Anxiety

I was sitting in class and the teacher started his lesson by announcing he was going to be doing some rote learning with us. One by one he picked a student to answer a question he proposed about the things we had learned in science that week..

Have you ever been paralysed by fear? So anxious you couldn't breathe? Hands sweaty, nauseus, maybe you want to cry, maybe you were ready to pass out?
That was me everyday when i was 16. In that science class, over ten years ago now, i turned to my friend and told her i couldn't breathe, then rushed out of the class shaking to the nurses office. It was my first panic attack, but in my mind it felt more like a heart attack.
Things after that sort of spiralled downwards. The fear that a teacher would ask me to read something out in class overwhelmed me so i took hold of the flight response and started wagging my classes. This was year 11 and an important year for my education if i wanted to do the things i had dreamed of doing at uni. Yet the idea of showing nervousness in front of my peers was so frightening that i would do anything to avoid it. the fear of getting another panic attack was too much. Soon i was hardly going to school and my deputy principal suggested distance education for my TEE final year. It was a great way out..
It was a great way out. but not being in an environment where i was pushed led me to becoming even more anxious then i was before. I didn't leave the house. The thought of getting a panic attack in school had become my worst fear for any public situation.. I had become so scared of what even strangers would think of me that i allowed my anxiety to trap me. I created a prison for myself, and lived each day spiralling further downward as i separated myself from friends, family and church. The things i had found enjoyment in before i could no longer do- singing, acting, hanging out with friends. I lied to myself pretending i could live this way. After all i wasn't completely a hermit. I'd still go out and work- but only in the same job i was very comfortable in and wasn't changing anytime soon. I'd still see friends, but only in environments i felt totally comfortable in. I'd still study... But certainly not a degree at uni- those classes are too big and i had heard you had to do presentations. I literally picked my tafe course based on the information that i'd never have to stand up in class and present something.

Basically i was living to my half potential. I knew i had a problem but believed i could live in it. No one around me knew the full extent of what i faced each day as my prison grew smaller and the door kept firmly shut preventing anyone in. I didnt want anyone to speak in to my life for i feared someone might actually see just how terrible my life had become.

Fast forward to today. I'm preparing to leave the comforts and security of everything i know here in my home town and move to Mozambique. A country where the language is different, the culture is different, and the worldview is so different from my own. I'm studying a degree at a college where every second unit i do has a presentation assessment. I sing at church and other events- and enjoy it!
Do i still get nervous? Absolutely!!! Ridiculously so. But am i going to let that rule my life? No way.

What changed? Discovering i had a purpose in this life, and believing it. People eventually broke down the walls to the prison i made (in the most gentle way they could- by loving me). And i started reading the bible as God's truth.
If Christ is for me who can be against me? Do not be anxious in anything but by prayer and petition give everything to God... I can do all things theough Christ who strengthens me.. Trust in the Lord with all your heart... Do not fear...for i am the Lord your God...
The Holy Spirit trnasformed these words into reality in my heart. It started with a small act, of a friend from church asking me to sing at a carols event. Instead of taking the default position of no, i trusted those words above and said yes. And God provided for me. He got me through it. I wasn't great up there but that's not the point. I had stepped into my fear of embarrasing myself in public, and had gotten to the otherside. Through God's strength. And it felt good. I felt confidence to maybe pursue other things i enjoyed doing but that had been pushed way down by fear. It was slow, agonising and painful. It required me to be vulnerable in front of people, and it meant that i had to completely rely on God's strength because there was nothing from me left. And after a while my perspective started to change. Maybe people don't actually hate on me if i stumble over my words. Maybe people aren't going to laugh and embarrass me if i make a mistake. Maybe i can give myself freedom to be a bit more vulnerable in front of others and instead of it showing how weak i am, just proves how strong God is? Maybe i can actually pursue the desires that have been put on my heart knowing that these are gifts God has given me to live into and make a difference. Maybe my anxiety will never completely disappear, but in that moment of fear, my trust in Christ will be great and i will have an experience of Him that is powerful and life changing. Everytime i step out in faith.

Maybe i'm here on this earth for a purpose. Not to be trapped by the fears life throws at us. But to be an instrument of God's work. And when we take that up, we know we're not alone. He's given us his armour to get us through each day. Whether the battle is in your head, on your path, or all around you, know this truth- Christ has overcome. The battle is won. You are set free. You can live fully as the LOVED wonderful created being God made you to be.